I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
