I have demons in me.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
