ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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