sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize