my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Houston, we have a squirter
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize