apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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