hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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