shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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