Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
