Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
