Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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