so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
