drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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