omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
