Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I FOUND THE LEGS
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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