I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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