shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
God, you're like boner-b-gone
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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