Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
