Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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