so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize