Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
