In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
