found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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