true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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