Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
