i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
