Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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