she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
