all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Terrible idea I love it
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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