dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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