I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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