i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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