Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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