On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
