Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
