it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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