smell my finger.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
