Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
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