What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize