Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
