So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
