just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
