I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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