I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
