its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
