i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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