shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
