I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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