I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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