Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
