I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
