I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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