Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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