I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
