I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
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