we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
