My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
