Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I need a beard to bite.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
