All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
