I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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